I am not a product

I deserve to be free in who I am, not always to be commodified, to be packaged perfectly toward a cause or the next sale. I want to just be me. I want to be held in my uncertainty, I want to be cherished in my wild sexuality, I want to just be me. 

 

Not palatable, fitting in every box I impose on myself, finally – this, this will be the thing that gives my life meaning. Years spent searching for the thing that would make me enough, the partner, the money, the followers, the career, the pat on the back to prove, a job well done. 

Where is my support, and most of all, can I dare to let it in?

 

To let support in, to open myself to receive, would be to finally admit I am not perfect, I have issues, ones that I cannot fix. I don’t want to be a work in progress, always searching for the next thing, to heal, to fix and solve that will prove, I am enough. 

Can I be loved as I am?

 

Not only the parts that shine light the sun, radiant, forgiving, impactful and passionate but the parts that are also murky, lurking in the shadows of the moonlight, too afraid to be seen for they don’t know the risk, or what it might mean to finally be seen. 

They speak of being broken, forgotten, too damaged to be loved,

They speak of days rejected, point proven, run before you have to again, feel the same pain. 

 

They speak of lies, the “I told you so, I deserve this pain”, it is all they know and they search for it, confirming the story I refuse to give away, “see I told you, it’s always been the same”. 

What happens when I befriend this tale? This part of me cast out, led astray, pulled you in closer and told you that I will not go away. 

 

What does it mean to pull you in close, to feel your trembling body, quiver under my unconditional embrace? There is no rush, to achieve, to prove your worth, let me just hold you so you can trust this rebirth.  

 

First, you put up a fight, bare your teeth 

and hope that I will run, 

again, too much of a challenge, 

You cannot handle it, not strong enough to embark into this uncharted feat. 

 

Then you hurt yourself, to prove you are unstable, I told you, you will say, I’ve always had a mean streak. For to come close to this, and to get hurt, no one to blame but yourself,

Now we both feel disgusting, “I will show you, like me, you are also weak”. 

 

And if I stay, unafraid and I hold you close, not to fix or heal but just to say, I love you anyway. I don’t need you to be perfect, these are parts of you and just like life, you are so much more – I see your pain, your struggle and your patterns and I also see your light.

 

Do not shy away from my love, together we are here. I will not do this for you but it is clear, you were always with me, supporting me with this life. I will not abandon myself, I will hold you close and tell you, “you are it all, the darkness, the shame, the pain and the fucking brightest most loving light”. 

 

Please love yourself, and hold on tight, I am giving you all you have ever dreamed of and remember, you have never given up the fight. 

 

The power of your heart, is the medicine I need, 

to bring you all the blessings, the safety and security; please can you believe me?

It won’t be easy, but it will be clear – I have not forgotten you, I just needed you to see; that without these experiences you would not be able to lead.