I am addicted to suffering

I have been addicted to suffering and I have been addicted to harming myself.

 

I have only known this cycle of great joy, must only be followed great pain. If it is not around, the drama, then I have created it, seek it out to confirm the story, that “yes you’re right Brenda, (my inner critic, ruthless wounded part) I don’t deserve anything good in this life”. I have impulsively, consciously chosen hardship over joy.

Why?

For I have been afraid to feel what is lying behind staying. I am afraid what it means to face myself, to embrace not only the radiant and the favourable but the dark and grimey too. I have avoided those parts of me, wanting to be heard, wanting so bad to welcome something new, yet terrified of what that actually means – To let the suffering go and do the work that is required to create a new way.

In each moment, I have a choice, to engage in that which causes me discomfort because it is familiar, or to find a new way of moving forward. The new way, is not an easy feat for it requires an open mindedness of a child, a strength of a warrior and the equanimity of a monk. To know when to act and when to observe, when to move and when to wait. We are pulled in infinite directions, managing and navigating so many aspects of life, both internally and externally, distractions, addictions, and pleasure.

 

 

A teacher of mine says it all boils down to craving and aversion, can you rise beyond the noise of the mind and sit in the discomfort of growth? Observe without reacting. Move from alignment.

 

 

Desire and goals; one is driven by passionate juice that feels like a dance, allowing for authentic unfolding to come and go, like sand pouring through your fingers. The other, driven by fear, by a desired outcome that must be perfect so I can finally say, hand on my heart I am enough, now I can begin to live.

Goals are narrow minded, prescribed to us by society, family or even ourselves. Fuelled by pressure, urgency and a outcome, gripped so tightly in the hands and asshole, that you forget to recognise or appreciate anything of real value around you. You diminish human connection, a greeting from a passer by-er feels like a bargaining of the precious time you have, busy spent racing around trying to accumulate, validate and strive.

Desire guides you into an explorative play, with nothing else on your mind except that which is being co created, the senses alive and engaged, the body fluid and relaxed, following each step with clear discernment and clarity, holding the vision loosely yet intimately to know it also calls for compassion, patience and space to be. For only when we accept life, the situation, ourselves can we begin to make changes. Step by step.

I will create the conditions for something new to arise, I will sit in the fire of my discomfort and change how I react to it, I will change myself, only then can I change the world. I hold Brenda tenderly and tell her, “I trust, that this too will pass, I am human, I make mistakes and I can still stand tall lying down”. Her clutches ease off ever so slightly, each and every time so I can finally see, I am complete – as I am.

“The seed of suffering in you may be strong, but don’t wait until you have no more suffering before allowing yourself to be happy.” – Thich Nhat Hanh